I’m sad to say it, and ashamed to admit it, but there has been virtually no progress with Temporary in the time since my last blog post, Pivot – though, if you’re interested, I have been providing minor updates via my podcast, Sweet Story, Bro.
I’m acutely aware that it’s been almost a month of inaction, but it was while providing a brief update to Temporary during the intro for a future episode of my podcast that I realised I had a topic to share that I haven’t blogged about yet, and considering that Write Steve Write is the HQ for all major updates for my writing, Temporary, and, only because I love you (yeah, you, gorgeous), some travel writing, I wanted to provide a further update on what’s going on and why I have yet to shift it into gear the way I’ve been meaning to.
Hell, sticking to that analogy, I’m still obsessively checking mirrors. I haven’t even shifted into first.
I’ve not been myself recently.
You just know when something isn’t right? When something feels inhereably…wrong. Yeah, that.
A few weeks ago I felt weak. Incredibly weak. Like, ‘blacking out at BJJ’ weak. ‘Couldn’t do the warm up’ weak. Something was up. So, I’ve been trying to figure out what, exactly, caused me to feel so fatigued. So drained.
It’s because of this that the past few weeks have revolved around beautiful (grey), warm (raining), British Summer days as I traipse to the Doctor’s for scans, prodding, and (multiple) blood tests.
It’s a good thing I don’t mind needles and like post-jab lollipops.
The truth is this: it’s been years since I’ve felt rested.
Like truly, wake up, jump out of bed, ready for the day rested.
I can’t remember the last time I haven’t felt tired or drained to some degree. Dragging myself out of bed, no matter how many hours of sleep I’d grabbed, and feeling fatigued as my feet hit the ground has been an issue I’ve just accepted as a part of my every day
It sucks. It just kind of reached a head at Jiu Jitsu a few weeks ago.
I’d eaten well (still on paleo at the time), and had ensured I had some food to fuel me a few hours before class, yet when I finally stepped onto the mats I suffered an energy dump. For no discernible reason, any modicum of energy left me. I had nothing. No reserves. I was on empty and struggled to even complete the warm up. I felt weak, woozy. I felt like I was going to black out.
Like an RKO, it came out of no where.
So if diet isn’t the reason, and I make sure to get exercise, etc…why this feeling?
Time to get checked out.
Unfortunately, the first set of results from my initial blood test weren’t conclusive enough, as I was asked to go for a follow up test. When I actually asked what the results were or what they suggested, the nurse didn’t have any answers past: “We need you to go get another test.”
The lack of answers to my simple question has done nothin to put my mind at ease.
Why wouldn’t they have answers? What did the first results say? Had they simply lost the blood test and THAT’S why they needed another sample?
I have no idea. But where I’m at right now: I’m still tired, and I’m no closer to finding out why, though the Doc, acute as she is, did highlight something I had brought up. I had said that I wasn’t sure if my fatigue was a “mental or a psychical, blood thing.”
Man, she was all over the fact I brought up my mental/emotional state like white on rice, assuming you’re not eating brown rice, you health freak, you.
There has always been one thing that I’ve never wanted to be diagnosed with, despite how I’ve been feeling for the past 5+ years. I never wanted to be assessed as clinically depressed. I can’t lie: it scares me, and it’s something that appears to be a fast approaching (gradual stranglehold?) reality.
So, yeah. To be glib, there’s been a lot at play in the past few weeks.
I’ve given myself a hard time for the lack of literary agency research, but finally sitting down, sipping on my black coffee and taking the time to reflect for this blog, I guess I could give myself a bit more slack. As in, maybe, SOME slack?
Still, now I’ve taken the opportunity regroup and reflect, prior to receiving results, natch, I want to make a positive choice, one that will hopefully get momentum back on my side. I need to get back up, dust myself off, try and deal with it as best as I can, and keep grinding. I need to start the research proper. I need to stop being so scared of what could be and embrace what can be. I need to get an agent.
The mirrors are fucking fine. It’s time to shift into first.