A Fleet of Fleeting Feelings.

TheEnd.jpg

Look what I did, you guys! I did a plotting-a-thon thing.

The process has been long and arduous, extending far past just sitting down with a notebook cracked open in order to scribble my mad, story thoughts into it. It included many months worth of research into subjects I have always had a cursory interest in but have never actively looked into: demonology.

This new story revolves around narratives and themes that I’ve always gravitated to, ever since Buffy The Vampire Slayer introduced them via its whip-smart teen angst, direct into my impressionable mindgrapes.

It’s darker, edgier, and addresses a lot of issues I feel compelled to discuss and explore. Like so many writers, I’m making a conscious choice to analyse (criticise?) my personal issues, failings, and foibles in as public a setting as possible – in essence tackling demons as I tackle my demons. All whilst continuing my search for representation. Team Perseverance, holding strong, kid!

Balancing two projects has been an inciteful endeavour – one that highlights a consistent personal flaw: my inability to register and embrace my own accomplishment(s).

I stressed myself out by trying to overload rather than separating two very different tasks.
It’s funny – in that mirthless, humourless, jaded way – as addressing them in smaller, manageable chunks was always my initial intention. But rather than focusing solely on plotting, with the fixed idea that after, and only after, would I recast my ‘Mighty Literary Agent Net™’ to a wider pool of agenty goodness, I decided to plot AND beat myself up for not dealing with Temporary business.

Who says I can’t multi-task?

On the Temporary front, the responses from my initial waves – sent throughout the course of this year – have been slowing down. It’s becoming apparent that those who have not responded will, most probably, not. Like a bad date where you were, for whatever reason, still holding on for that second chance…waiting by the phone, just hoping it will – wait, did that ring? Did that move? Why would it move but not ring? Ah, shit, it didn’t do anything, did it… *Insert tears of a lonely clown here*.

And here we hit the crux of the emotional issue: rather than allowing myself to register, acknowledge, and appreciate the accomplishment that is completing the entire plotting, development, AND research phase for this next novel, I instead detracted from my own experience, immediately making myself feel lousy for not doing everything all at once.

What sucks is that I can’t even retroactively allow myself to wallow in that sense of accomplishment because its already passed!

You know what, fuck it, pass the wine! This shit deserves shouting about, and it deserves celebrating – hence the blogginess.

In this notebook lies the next step in my journey. It doesn’t take away or impede anything to do with Temporary, I just need to be able to balance the two and allow myself to savour the little victories. The end goal stays the same regardless, as it always does.

Now, where’s that fine Dornish Red I’ve been saving?

– Steve R / @stevetendo

 

 

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