It’s Not Much To Ask For, Is It?

 

Take solace in the small victories, the tiny accomplishments. Who knows what they could all add up to.

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Stop Signs & Deadlines.

Welcome to 2017.

So, here’s a fun factoid: at this point in time I am beholden to no-one and, honestly, that’s how its been for the longest while. It’s also the reason why I’ve been so infrequent with my blog posts, writing, and overall progress. The only thing I’ve managed to really dedicate myself to is my geek critique podcast, ‘Sweet Story, Bro.’

The cruel irony is this: the podcast I created to help me embrace stories on a deeper level – to help me become a better writer – has, for the longest part of 2016, overtaken any sort of actual writing.

The podcast still serves its ultimate purpose. I have definitely grown self aware as a reader since its inception, and I have undoubtely learned from how these writers have chosen to tell their stories. I love engaging with narratives beyond ‘I liked it’/’It was good’ and the opportunity its given me to engage with like minded geeks – shoutout to #PodernFamily on Twitter! – and, perhaps most importantly, it’s fun!

Granted, as much growth as the show has seen since its debut (and format tweakage/evolution) last year on January 4th, I’m still naturally pushing for further growth. For more people to treat their ears to its aural sensations, if you will. It would be a dream if ‘Sweet Story, Bro’ could continue to evolve, to create a dialogue amongst writers and fans, perhaps even rake in a little cash to help with server and equipment costs via Donations and fans using the Amazon links for their online purchases (what a validating feeling it was to see people had been doing exactly this over Christmas!)

The podcast has, undoubtedly, been my greatest success this year. And as stoked as that makes me, it’s a double edged blade as its stolen from me the focus and drive I should have been investing into Temporary.

You know, the book I’ve been working on. One of the primary reasons this blog exists.

And so, like most, in the interest of using this time of year for some key self reflection and introspective dissection, its become clear to me that my habitual self sabotage, coupled with enviable levels of procrastination (emphasis on the pro), wrapped up with a pretty ribbon crafted out of a lack of personal accountability has led me to seeing the end of 2016, like most people, as a bit of a disappointing damp squib.

So, what the fuck do I intend to do about it?

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“Do there have to be zombies?”

This story is another example of how “nobody knows anything.” It highlights the apalling nature of attempted collective ‘contribution’ by meddling suits that harbour no respect or reverance for source material or original concepts.

The suggestion that is made wallows in the depths of sub-mediocrity,  unabashed in its brazen attempt to change something that they, as a collective homogenous entity – the ‘suits’, the ‘man’ – don’t understand or appreciate. They don’t care about what makes it special. They don’t care about what makes it unique. They don’t care.

It’s a sobering insight into the TV studio system and is, most probably, representative of film as well. It’s also one of the key reasons I decided to try and take the destiny of Temporary into my own hands, crafting a story that hasn’t been bastardised by agenda/quota/fucktards mixing unmitigaged business ‘ideas cum strategy’ into a creative space.

One vision, mired by a table of cooks, eager to force their own thoughts into an already formed idea.

Breathe, Steve, breathe…

Ok. Let’s take a step back…

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What’s My Age Again?

NOTE: This post is in turns an emotional outpouring as well as a personal, cutting to the core, dissection with how I feel/where I am at 30. Like my previous posts, I don’t pull punches, and I don’t want to self censor. Others have felt this way; some probably feel the same right now, but I just wanted to take a moment to capture and express my fears, hopes, worries and dreams on Write Steve Write.

With that in mind, enjoy…


It’s been 10 days since my birthday. Since this…

Honestly, I’m still accepting that I’ve finally ticked over into my 30s. No more will my age start with a 2 until I hit 200!

As I sit here pondering about all that I had dreamed of accomplishing in my 20s, all that I thought I would have done and what I thought my 30s would have looked like, I struggle at times to cope with the reality. All that I haven’t achieved. All that I thought I would be, but am not.

Kind of makes me feel like this:

this-is-fine-meme

And then someone comes along, shows you what it’s like to be truly cared about, and does something amazing to help you usher in a new birthday, a new decade, a whole slew of new opportunities, adventures and possibilities…

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Voi¢£.

If you ever get the chance to go and watch writer/director/podcast magnate Kevin Smith speak, then, quite simply, do it.

I’ve written about Smith and his style of public speaking before on this blog, having highlighted a particularly meaningful monologue he made regarding encouraging artists and the creatively inclined, which, in a shameless plug, you can check out here.

But despite my familiarity with Kevin Smith, his wondrous ability to take a single question from an audience that fills an hour and a half, and his overall opinions on the creative landscape, I still found myself excited at being able to see him deliver his mantras live.

When the e-mail from the Prince Charles Cinema appeared as a Notification in the top right of my screen, it took me about 10 seconds of deliberation before I had already punched in my card details. Hell, I was one step away from simply throwing money at my monitor to secure the tickets.

The man just has a way of cutting to the core in what he says, in such a genuinely moving and passionate way that you can’t help but be inspired by the end of it.

Even if “the end of it” is 20 minutes over the scheduled end time, causing a hectic, full on butt clenched, power walk back to Charing Cross for the last train home.

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It’s In The Blood.

I’m sad to say it, and ashamed to admit it, but there has been virtually no progress with Temporary in the time since my last blog post, Pivot – though, if you’re interested, I have been providing minor updates via my podcast, Sweet Story, Bro.

I’m acutely aware that it’s been almost a month of inaction, but it was while providing a brief update to Temporary during the intro for a future episode of my podcast that I realised I had a topic to share that I haven’t blogged about yet, and considering that Write Steve Write is the HQ for all major updates for my writing, Temporary, and, only because I love you (yeah, you, gorgeous), some travel writing, I wanted to provide a further update on what’s going on and why I have yet to shift it into gear the way I’ve been meaning to.

Hell, sticking to that analogy, I’m still obsessively checking mirrors. I haven’t even shifted into first.

So why?

I’ve not been myself recently.

You just know when something isn’t right? When something feels inhereably…wrong. Yeah, that.

Fun, right?

A few weeks ago I felt weak. Incredibly weak. Like, ‘blacking out at BJJ’ weak. ‘Couldn’t do the warm up’ weak. Something was up. So, I’ve been trying to figure out what, exactly, caused me to feel so fatigued. So drained.

It’s because of this that the past few weeks have revolved around beautiful (grey), warm (raining), British Summer days as I traipse to the Doctor’s for scans, prodding, and (multiple) blood tests.

It’s a good thing I don’t mind needles and like post-jab lollipops.

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Pivot.

I’ve been trying to figure out the perfect way to express my feelings on this subject, but found that days (*cough*weeks*cough*) magically slipped by in my efforts to find the perfect words, so rather than internalise they way I have been, I thought I’d start typing.

I’ve spoken before about my ambitions of working within the Film industry – a dream that now seems more unlikely than ever before, made more apparent when I commit the cardinal sin of comparing where I am in life opposed to others, chiefly the people I did my University course with. Sure, not all of them seem to be working within the industry, but, hand on heart, a lot of them are, even if its within capacities they don’t want.

Jealousy is an unproductive, vile emotion, and it’s one I’ve become frequently accustomed to. We Netflix and Chill all the time with our other bestie, the Deep D. (That stands for Depression, you little pervert) It’s a great circle jerk, as I’m sure you can imagine.

We are the result of our decisions. Committing to something, rejecting an idea, or even doing nothing are all active choices to any given situation. My relative inaction in pursuing my dreams of writing and directing have led me to crafting two short movies that have achieved nothing and led to a staggering amount of sweet FA (despite winning awards and getting the chance to fly across the world to support one, which I chronicled here) over the course of 6+ years that have seen me struggling to keep my chin above water. (Wonder Years ref, yo.)

It was whilst on the journey to support First Date that I committed to a life changing detour with the dreams, goals, and ambitions that had stood so steadfast since 18.

I’ve written about the impact those Writer’s Panels have had on me, and in that time I’ve written a complete manuscript that has been edited multiple times, finding myself in a (naively) hopeful position that, yes, now is the time to strike. Now is the time to start composing my query letter. Now is the moment to find an agent.

Now is the time to fully commit to the Pivot.

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